Subject: joke

Date: Sun Oct 21 13:48:29 2007
User: +-Sandy-+
Message:
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed,"she replied,
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for
a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Date: Sun Oct 21 21:54:52 2007
User: lilshedvl
Message:
NICE!!!!!!!!!

XOXO Lils

Date: Thu Nov 8 19:44:52 2007
User: +-Sandy-+
Message:
know a good one??

Date: Thu Nov 8 20:45:47 2007
User: GottaLuvIt
Message:
Sick

Date: Thu Nov 8 20:55:36 2007
User: Dr.Bombay
Message:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tent and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asks.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

Date: Fri Nov 9 23:01:29 2007
User: ix
Message:
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"

Date: Wed Nov 21 15:59:43 2007
User: Snowguy
Message:
I happened across this joke. Some may like it for one reason and others for an entirely different one...

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

Date: Wed Nov 21 16:23:25 2007
User: Snowguy
Message:
A hard-looking cowpoke rides into town, hitches his horse outside and enters a saloon. After couple beers he pays up and leaves, to find out his horse had been stolen. He walks back inside.

He pulls out his guns, glares, and fires shots into the wall over the bar. He yells. "I'm gonna have another beer. And, when I walk out that door, if I don't find my horse, I'm gonna have to do what I done down in Texas. He scowls and proclaims: ...And, I DON't wanna have to do what I done down in Texas. He orders up and sips his beer. The barkeeps says it's on the house and moves to the other end of the bar.

Fifteen minutes later the guy slams the glass down and walks outside. Sure enough, his mount is tied up, all ready. As he swings up into his saddle, the crowd comes outside and the barkeep asks, "Say, fella. What was it you done down in Texas?"

"I walked home."

Date: Wed Nov 21 19:42:37 2007
User: StarGazer
Message:
*giggling* Snowyguy that was funny!!

Date: Thu Nov 22 09:59:36 2007
User: POX
Message:
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on The door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note Asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up With milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful Again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my t*ts. I can splash it on my face."

Date: Thu Nov 22 10:48:30 2007
User: jboice4jc
Message:
Two blondes what into a building.

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Date: Thu Nov 22 11:22:11 2007
User: Snowguy
Message:
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
couple dirty forks from previous customers. I'll smell them and order from
there."

The owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up the forks. He returns and hands them to him. The blind man puts the forks to his nose and takes in a deep breath. He likes one and says:

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the man returns and the owner brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you the dirty forks."

The owner retrieves them and brings them to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man chooses one and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have a fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know Mary worked here..."

Date: Thu Nov 22 11:28:37 2007
User: Snowguy
Message:
How about the magician who turned into a drugstore?

Date: Thu Nov 22 21:25:25 2007
User: Snowguy
Message:
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and decided to go after all. Because her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she wasn't around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe.

She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had gone. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

"But from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a good time!"

Date: Fri Nov 23 03:52:44 2007
User: cf
Message:
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short pause in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks:"Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" "$ex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old poop. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige,"
says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

Date: Fri Nov 23 06:57:44 2007
User: BECK.
Message:
An eighty year old man moves into a new retirement home.
On his first day he sees a beautiful 75year old woman and not being one to pass up an opportunity he says"how 'bout it darlin'?"
Well it had been a long time since she had been propositioned so she said "OK"
After a night of passionate love making the man turns to the woman and says
"My love if I'd known you were a virgin I'd have been more gentle."
to which see replied
"Honey if I'd known you could get it up I'd've taken off my support hose."

Date: Fri Nov 23 10:12:55 2007
User: Snowguy
Message:
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table. Then she said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"